Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you
cannot live without.

The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
-Mark Twain 

Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with
the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a
league beyond the devil. -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Buick Riveras and white Volvos are aphodisiacs. -Steve Suchy

Some men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 
Other men kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made. 

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house. -Rod Stewart

Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their
time on you.

Half of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds.
The other half end in death.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a
good cook, and great in bed. But the law allows only one wife.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent.

In my house I am king, and my law is that whatever my wife says shall 
be done.

How is marriage like a hot bath? ... Once you get used to it, it's not 
so hot.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much 
fraternizing with the enemy. -Henry Kissinger

When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.

If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most of his
other lies.

The average woman prefers beauty over brains because the average man
can see better than he can think. 

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
380SL. -Lynn Lavner

No one worth possessing can be quite possessed. -Sara Teasdale

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God, and I didn't.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage. -James Holt McGavran

Statistics show that married men live longer than single men, but they
are more willing to die. -David S. Goldberg

Success in marriage is much more than finding the right person; it is
a matter of being the right person.

It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a
substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let's face it, far more
reliable than a man. -Miranda Ingram

Rules are the means of a girl's assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is, I'll get married again. -Clint Eastwood I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning. When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?" Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. What is the difference between men and women: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." When asked to share the top reason for their marital success, the men and women said, "My spouse is my best friend." When the dust settles from a passionate courtship, what's left - and what will keep that marriage growing and vital - is friendship. -Jan Yager I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she wants me to see things her way. -Jayson Feinburg The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. "I do" is the shortest sentence in the English language. Also the longest. It's a wise husband who will buy his wife such fine china that she won't trust him to wash the dishes. All men think they are nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. -Rita Rudner A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -Milton Berle The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -Henny Youngman A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Men marry women hoping they won't change; women marry men hoping they will. When a man makes a woman his wife, it's the highest compliment he can pay her, and it's usually the last. -Helen Rowland Woman was taken out of man; not out of his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled underfoot; but out of his side to be equal to him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved. Never criticize your wife's judgment - look whom she's married! Never run after buses or women: you'll always get left behind. Don't plant more garden than your wife can care for.