FUNNY QUOTES
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Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities
while programming.

Rain is snow that shovels itself.

Good, fast, cheap. Pick any two.

I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said,
but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
-Robert McCloskey

A road map always tells you everything except how to refold it.

One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh 
paint.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in times for
Christmas.

Christmas is just like a day at the office - you do all the work and
the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

I truly believe there is more to life than money, booze and sex. 
I just haven't figured out what it is yet.

Black Holes Suck!

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house. -Rod Stewart

A work desk is a garbage can with drawers.

Hofstadter's rule: Everything takes longer than you expect, even when
you take Hofstadter's rule into account.

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to
an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American
Indian. -Pat Paulsen

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not
getting it done.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I'd say he's the laziest guy alive but I'm not sure about that
last part.

If we were meant to travel economy class, we would have been made
narrower.

He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of
course, he really is dead. -Voltaire 

Foreign aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries
to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey

The major cause of vehicle accidents is a screw loose in the nut
behind the wheel. 

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and
blamed it on the cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 

It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo.
If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be
completely different. -David Brent

Red meat is not bad for you  Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you're supposed to live each day as if it was your last, when are
you supposed to do laundry?

Since the coming of television we no longer have family circles--we
have semi-circles.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy
something.

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
"No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted."

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? -George Carlin

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
-Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp., Redmond, WA.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed
it. -Mark Twain

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - and Jill a rich widow.
-Evan Esar 

Why is the slowest time of traffic called the 'rush' hour?

Immigrant, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better 
than another. -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

A lecture is a process where information is passed from the notebook
of the lecturer to the notebook of the student without necessarily
passing through the minds of either. 

Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of
hours.

We don't swim in your urinals. Please don't pee in our pool. 

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight. -George Gobol 

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. 

I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those
who got there first.

Light travels faster than sound. 
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand
binary arithmetic and those who don't.

Q: Why there are so many people named Smith in the phone book?
A: They all have phones. 

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business.
-Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool.

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster!

Dime: A dollar with all of the taxes taken out.

Education is going to college to learn to express your ignorance in 
scientific terms.




Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

An eternity is very, very long, especially towards the end. 

If u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb!

Oh my Go , this  amn keyboar   oesn't have any  's!

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national
emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. -Ronald Reagan

Airlines almost never lose carry-on luggage.

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few
weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge
of the pool and throw them fish.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them.  - E.V. Lucas

Half of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds.
The other half end in death.

How to become immortal: Read this tomorrow and follow its advice.

"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?" -Homer Simpson 

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Some days are a total waste of makeup. 

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Never argue with a man carrying a water buffalo.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

There's a typo in this sentence, but it slides away when your eyes
move toward it.

_Yesterday_ was the deadline for complaints.

The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship Bureau].

Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork? -Stanislaw Lem 

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't
doing what I was doing. -Steven Wright

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can
roast beef!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive 
days I've stayed alive.

Never answer a hypothetical question. -Moshe Arens 

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to 
ourselves.

A fight to the death between zombies has a few inherent problems.

I saw a place it had a sign: Topless, Bottomless. I went inside, there
was no one there! -Rodney Dangerfield

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

How come the bullets that work are fired, and the ones that don't work 
are not?

Why go around half dead if we can bury you for $49.50?
Digger O'Ball's Funeral Parlor

You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom. 

A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days. 

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Butterflies are not insects, they are selfpropelled flowers. -Heinlein 

The noblest of all dogs is the hot dog; it feeds the hand that bites
it. -Laurence Peters

Do witches run spell checkers?

If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most of his
other lies.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

No matter what you eat it comes out looking like shit. 

The world is coming to an end. Please return your library books. 

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted. 

Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the
dictionary?

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little
extra.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
380SL. -Lynn Lavner

You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy, you take over.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people that annoy
me.

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
forecasters.

We are always doing, says he, something for posterity, but I would
fain see posterity do something for us. -Joseph Addison

Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is
wrong?

People are illogical, inconsiderate and self-centered. Love them
anyway.

Success is when your name is in everything but the phone book.

The brain is a wonderful thing....it starts working the minute you get
up and never quits until your boss asks you a question at work...

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

What could be worse than having climbed the ladder of success, only to
find it is against the wrong wall.

I doubt therefore I might be.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense.

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs
at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full
of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but
assholes.