FUNNY QUOTES
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I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I put six of them over my
mouth. 

Eighty-nine percent of the American public performs poorly on general
mathematics questions. The other 38% don't.

Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for
the rest of your life. -Michael Sinz

Never try to leap a chasm in two jumps.

We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us pick ourselves
up and hurry on as if nothing happened.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
much too dark to read. -Groucho Marx 

Everything is always okay in the end; if it's not, then it's not the
end.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the
guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're
open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." -Steve Wright

Accomplishing the impossible only means the boss will add it to your
regular duties.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night. -Woody Allen 

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.

President Bush says our schools need to do a better job of teaching
mathematics, and I agree with him 150 percent. -Dave Barry

If God wanted us to be naked, why did he invent sexy lingerie?
-Shannen Doherty

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

A coupla months in the laboratory can save a coupla hours in the
library. -Westheimer's Discovery 

The trouble with doing something right the first time, is nobody
appreciates how difficult it was. 

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's
office was full of portraits by Picasso. -Rita Rudner

One of the greatest labour saving inventions of today is tomorrow.
-Vincent T. Foss 

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their
maker.  

Think getting older sucks?  Consider the alternative.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you
must eat it with naked fat people. -Ed Bluestone

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber. -Plato 

I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock. 

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. 

The average woman prefers beauty over brains because the average man
can see better than he can think. 

The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no
crisis.

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman
arrives.

When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.

A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than
the people who have to wait for them?

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears.
Sometimes when you are happy, no one sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

When a diplomat says `yes' he means perhaps; when he says `perhaps' he
means no; when he says `no' he is no diplomat.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God, and I didn't.

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's
safer to pick on rich women than biker gangs.

Confidence: the feeling a person has before he fully understands the
situation.

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. -Al Gore

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

How can I prove I'm not crazy to people who are?

Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -
they will find an easier way to do it.

I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?
-Emo Philips

We're having creative differences. I'm creative, you're different.

The food that you get in art museums is institutional revenge for
the art that you get in restaurants.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception. -Groucho Marx

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with
chocolate. -Charles Dickens

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I
realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked
Him to forgive me. -Emo Philips

Even at Sam's Club, people will still look at you funny if you buy the
144-roll pallet of toilet paper.

I was watching the Indy 500 and I'm thinking - if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast. -Steven Wright




No matter how much it itches, never scratch your nose while being
finger-printed.

It is generally agreed that 'Hello' is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people. -Dolph Sharp 

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: 
"Of all the radio stations in Chicago... we're one of them." 

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger
starves last.

Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are
enough.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits on the highway?"

"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for
Miss America?"

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point
involved.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast."

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while
driving.

A historian is a prophet in reverse. -Friedrich von Schlegel

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.
-Arj Barker

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving
door.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in
your pocket then giving Fido only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

When writing about nothing, try to be succinct.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age--almost lifelike!

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and 
there was only one life jacket--I'd miss you a lot and think of you 
often.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.

Put all your eggs in one basket and---WATCH THAT BASKET!

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall
instead of using it. -Gordon R. Dickson

There are two great rules of life, the one general and the other
particular. The first is that everyone can, in the end, get what he
wants if he only tries. This is the general rule. The particular rule
is that every individual is more or less an exception to the general
rule. -Samuel Butler

If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going
fishing.

Among other things, a volunteer is sometimes someone who, when asked
to volunteer, can't come up with a good excuse not to.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass 
is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs 
to be.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish 
what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips, a gallon
of ice cream and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. 

When Congress balances the budget, we end up budgeting the balance.

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who
invented the other three, he was the genius.

Never hit anyone with glasses. Instead, use your fist.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small
country.

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur
coat.

Love conquers all, unless of course you're playing tennis.

Time wounds all heels. -Jane Ace

Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more
words than necessary.

If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will 
usually find that he is.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

Laziness: Resting before you get tired.

There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn
what it is, I'll get married again. -Clint Eastwood

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
-Dylan Thomas

They say the grass is greener on the other side, but have you
ever flipped it over?

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's
work. -Steve Martin

Intelligence is like underwear, everyone should have it, but we
shouldn't show it off. - Gene Petret

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How is it possible to have a civil war?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
-George Carlin
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