FUNNY QUOTES
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Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one. 
-Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it
again. -Calvin

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists
elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
-Calvin

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro" (I came; I saw; I stuck around.) -Larry Adams

An expert is a fellow who is afraid to learn anything new because then
he wouldn't be an expert anymore. -Harry S Truman

The best prayer: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog
thinks I am." 

The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my
employer, not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary.

In dog years, I'm dead.

Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.

Civilization exists by geologic consent subject to change without
notice. -Will Durant

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those
who got there first.

The word `genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein. -Joe Theisman

They call television a medium. That's because it is neither rare nor
well done.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and
blamed it on the cost of living.

I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, He would have put
diamonds on the floor. -Joan Rivers

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that) 

Old Celts never die. They just have harp failure.

The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere.

When you fall in a river, you're no longer a fisherman, you're a
swimmer.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn
to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
-Mary Ellen Kelly

Time flies... after you hit the snooze button.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around
the sun.

Never argue with an idiot; bystanders can't tell the difference.

My son has taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting
doing nothing. -Max Kauffmann

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I always say that beauty is only sin deep. -H. H. Munro

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people
worry than work. -Robert Frost

I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
-Ambrose Bierce

There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it 

Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.
-Edward R. Murrow

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a baldman?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what
does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know
who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, just hang
up.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.

Asshole, n. The most commonly employed word in American English.
Frequently used by both sides in an argument, more often than
not, accurately. -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said 'I don't know.'
-Mark Twain

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more
deadly in the long run. -Mark Twain

Please leave a tone after the message.

Taxpayer: Someone who doesn't have to take a public service exam
to work for the government.

I went on a diet but I had to go on two diets at the same time because
one wasn't giving me enough food. -Barry Marter

Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money?

Time is money, money is the root of all evil, and knowledge is power.
Therefore, procrastination is the key to world peace.

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all
owned by cats.

Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level.
Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your
two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal. -Steven Wright

Christmas: Be Naughty - save Santa the trip.

If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked
what is the root of all money? -Ayn Rand 

A true friend stabs you in the front. -Oscar Wilde
 
I am a deeply superficial person. -Andy Warhol 

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he
will pick himself up and continue on. -Winston Churchill

If a person offends you and you are in doubt as to whether it was
intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures. Simply watch
your chance and hit him with a brick. -Mark Twain




Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now
turn it off and get to bed! -Thomas Edison's Mother

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

When the doctor says...
"We have some good news and some bad news."
...the good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news
is you're going to pay for it.

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the
'Send' button.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage. -James Holt McGavran

Don't be so humble, you're not that great. -Golda Meir

They say that time changes everything, but it's been a while now and
my kid's diapers aren't getting any cleaner. -Jeff Chastain

If cows could fly, would we still get ground beef?

George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
purchased new school uniforms.

A committee is a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

No matter how you wiggle and dance, the last three drops will go down
your pants. 

The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored,
because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing.

"I don't question YOUR existence." -God

On an atheist's tombstone: Here lies an atheist; all dressed up and no
place to go.

People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!

Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me feel
so much smarter?

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by
itself.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. -Don Marquis 

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
doing.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
-Henny Youngman

No good deed can go unpunished.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-Pablo Picasso

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be
disappointed. -Alexander Pope

I really shouldn't be allowed to go to auctions. I bought a copy of
John Evelyn's book on salad-making, Acetaria, simply because of the
aptness of the catalogue description: "A few leaves browned or
spotted." -Eric Korn

The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five
minutes more. -Wilson Mizener

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than
you have car windows. -Erma Bombeck

Egotist:  A person more interested in himself than in me.
-Ambrose Bierce

Editor:  One who sorts the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
-Adlai Stevenson

A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A closed mind is a good thing to lose. 

A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but
as a group decide that nothing can be done. 

A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by the age of
eighteen. -Albert Einstein

I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.

Give a man a beer, he'll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, he'll
waste a lifetime.

Definition of a competitive salary:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

A Father is a man with pictures in his wallet, where he used to keep
his money when he was single.

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and
able to lay down your life for his country.

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a
tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?"
was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat,
"it doesn't matter." -Lewis Carroll

All music is folk music, I ain't never heard no horse sing a song.
-Louis Armstrong

The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL? 

RAM DISC IS NOT AN INSTALLATION PROCEDURE.

The organizational meeting of the procrastination club has been put
off until next week.

All those who are telekinetic, raise my hand.

It will be a GREAT day when schools get all the money they need and
the Air Force has to hold a bake sale in order to get a stealth
bomber.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
-Rita Rudner

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless
there are three other people. -Orson Welles

A nickel will get you on the subway, but garlic will get you a seat.
-old New York proverb

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
-Steven Wright

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -George Carlin

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't
matter. -Satchel Paige

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-Carol Leifer

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets. -Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
bank robbery has just taken place. -Johnny Carson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you. -Rita Mae Brown

I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should have been more
specific. -Lily Tomlin

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -Phyllis Diller

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two
girlfriends.

In his lifetime van Gogh painted 486 paintings. Oddly enough, 8975 of
them are to be found in the United States. -Werner Lansburgh

I know the world isn't fair, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?
-Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

We don't devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for
jerks. -Calvin & Hobbes