FUNNY QUOTES
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I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
suitable application of high explosives. -Dilbert (by Scott Adams)
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
-Dilbert
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
-Dilbert
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard
enough to find your way around Chinatown. -Woody Allen
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
statue.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
-Francis Roberts
I have the simplest of tastes. I easily get satisfied with the best.
-Oscar Wilde
Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you
said couldn't be done. -Sam Ewing
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live
long enough to make them all yourself. -Sam Levenson
Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people
sleep. -Albert Camus
We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm
wonderful.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight. -George Gobel
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends
thought I didn't exist. -Aaron Machado
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does
an empty desk mean?
If it isn't broken, fix it till it is.
Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof.
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings - including this one.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel is turned
off until further notice.
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
Good morning is a contradiction of terms. -Garfield (by Jim Davis)
Mind over matter: If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
-Sacha Guitry
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and
say the opposite. -Sam Levenson
I am different from Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of
principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't.
- Mark Twain
Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a q-tip! -Homer Simpson
I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she wants me to see things her way.
-Jayson Feinburg
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
"I do" is the shortest sentence in the English language. Also the
longest.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys!
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Cleaning the house when your kids are still growing up, is like
shoveling the walk before it stops snowing!
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a
can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy
is working.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn
from them.
A dog will come to you when called. A cat will take a message and get
back to you later.
Thinking of starting a family? Try the RENTAL CHILDREN first!
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
-John Kenneth Galbraith
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
face. -Jack Handey
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much
time. -Steven Wright
Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is
missing? -Rich Little
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression
he just cleaned the whole house.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
NOTHING is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool!
I started out with nothing... I still have most of it.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
I'm not wasting time... I'm preserving it for future generations.
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough
to eat six." -Yogi Berra
The hardest part of skating is the ice.
If your nose runs and your feet smell... are you built upside down?
Tomorrow never comes. As soon as it does, it becomes Today.
The older I get, the better I was.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Even on the most exalted throne in the world we are only sitting on
our own bottom. -Michel de Montaigne
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
We put the "k" in "kwality."
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after
them.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Sometimes I don't think . . . so I might not be.
I like to keep an open mind, but not so open my brain falls out.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
-Steven Wright
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
-Steven Wright
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So
I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
-Steven Wright
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell
you this, but that's another weakness. -Jack Handey
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees,
like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the
plains, where some were probably hit by cars. -Jack Handey
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an idiot. -Steven Wright
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A
little old lady had to help me across the street. -Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." -Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-Steven Wright
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that
are someone else's fault.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he
gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1.) Never tell
everything you know.
On a string of chinese made christmas lights : "For indoor or outdoor
use only."
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
How do you tell if Herring has gone bad? Does it start to smell good?
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important
that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much
money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
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