FUNNY QUOTES
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All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific. -Jane Wagner

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1.  fighting;  2. fleeing;  3. feeding; and  4. mating.
-Psychology professor in neurophysiology intro. course.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants. -A. Whitney Brown

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like
that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
   
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

I want to die peacefully while asleep like my grandfather, not
screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of the
ladies. -Mark Twain

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
-Jack Handey

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. -Stephen Wright

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

I've gotta be me - everyone else is already taken.

If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.

I think therefore I am... I think.

The future ain't what it used to be. -Yogi Berra

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

There cannot be a crisis today. My schedule is already full.

and besides, it is not difficult, in dreams, to carry a piano with
you on the bicycle  -Jorge Rueda

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia. -Charles Schultz

Random number generation is too important to be left to chance.

Two atoms are walking down the street and run into each other.
"Are you all right?"
"No, I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
-Simon Cameron

At our local restaurant, you can eat dirt cheap - but who wants to eat
dirt?

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

Why is there an expiration date on a sour cream container?

Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you.

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. -Wethern's law

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

A Smith&Wesson *always* beats 4 aces.

My ambition is to live forever - so far so good!

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble
putting on your pants.

"What if this weren't a hypothetical question?"

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. -Erma Bombeck

Dear Sir,
thank you so much for lending me the vacuum cleaner. It really sucks.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a
call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." -Steven Wright 

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted
line. He caught every other fish. -dto

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -dto

On a gas station in the desert:
Fill up here! Next gas station is only fata morgana.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never
cease to be amused.

It isn't procrastination if you put it off right away.

When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane.




It is not the fall that kills you, it is the sudden stop at the end.

Always imitate the behavior of winners if you lose.

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

Experience is something you get just after you need it.

Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.

Two wrongs don't make a right - three lefts do.

Patience will come to him who waits for it.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who
can't.

You can never successfully determine beforehand which side of the
bread to butter.

There are two times when I feel stress - day and night.

I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterwards.
-Spanish proverb

"How can I miss you if you won't go away?"

Must everyone always begin at the beginning? Much time could be saved
if we could begin at the end.

High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward to the trip. -Caskie Stinett

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If everything else fails, read the instructions.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
-Napoleon Bonaparte

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
week sometimes to make it up. -Mark Twain

If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.
-Mark Twain

He who laughs lasts!

People who think they know what they're doing are especially
annoying to those of us who do.

Nothing is more fairly distributed than common sense: no one thinks he
needs more of it than he already has. -Descartes

It's always darkest before you step on the cat.

Meadow's Maxim: You can't push on a rope.

Murphy's Paradox: Doing it the hard way is always easier.

If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?

Never, ever stand near a person having one hand behind their back and
a grenade pin in their mouth.

You can't be late until you show up.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

You will always find something in the last place you look.

A kind word and gun gets you more than a kind word alone.

It's not just reality that matters.

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. 

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Quitting smoking is easy - I've done it many times!

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming
train.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss
the floor.

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

"The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the
ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of
widths." -Steven Wright

There's always something to be thankful for. If you can't pay your
bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
-E. C. McKenzie

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot.

Ignorance is when you don't know something and someone finds out.

Never criticize your wife's judgment - look whom she's married!

Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.

I'd like to be an optimist, but I doubt that it would work out.

Gardeners have the best dirt.

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Don't look before you leap. It'll ruin the surprise.

If you're going to panic, panic constructively.

Don't plant more garden than your wife can care for.

If at first you don't succeed... well, so much for sky diving.

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

Objects in mirror may be less virtual than they appear.

Sooner or later, everyone stops smoking.

Only two kinds of people complain about taxes - men and women.

A louse I used to know told me that millionaires and bums taste much
the same to him. -archie the cockroach - via don marquis

There is only one smartest dog in the world, and everybody has it!

Animals do not smoke, drink nor take drugs - except in laboratories.

Open seven days a week, excluding Sundays! -Sign on a K.F.C. store 

Either you give me what I demand or I'll take what you're offering!
-Joe Torre

A bank is a place where you can lend money if you can prove you don't
need it. Unknown, 1995

Opinions expressed here are mine and not those of my employer. And if
you don't agree with them, you are racist, sexist, elitist,
imperialist, Baptist, and possibly even right.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-Douglas Adams 

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

At times I think and at times I am.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

You can observe a lot just by watching. -Yogi Berra

The gods do not deduct from man's alloted span the hours spent
fishing. -Babylonian proverb

A pesimist is an optimist with experience.

Why can't life be menu-driven or at least have an 'undo' feature?
-David M. De Felice

Taxes are the way the government has of artificially inducing the
rainy day everybody has been saving for.

History repeats itself. Historians repeat each other.

Some people make things happen, some watch things happen, while others
wonder what has happened...

The Ten Most Important Two-Letter Words:
 If it is to be, it is up to me.

The people who live in the Golden Age usually go around complaining
how yellow everything looks.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.