FUNNY QUOTES
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I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy
asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" 
I said, "What do you need?"   
-Steven Wright   

They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took
the car keys and drove to Arizona. -Bob Hope/Gene Perret

Giraffiti: Concrete art, spray-painted very, very high.

Prayers are always answered. Unfortunately, the answer is usually
no.

Vinylocity: The strange atmospheric force that makes the shower
curtain blow towards you while trying to shower.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense. -Woody Allen

I think most hiccup cures were invented for the amusement of the
patient's friends. -Hobbes, Calvin & Hobbes

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
-Mark Twain 

Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with
the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a
league beyond the devil. -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge. -Dilbert, Scott Adams

This book fills a much-needed gap.
-Moses Hadas (1900-1966) in a review

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
-Paul Erdos

Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by fighting back.
-Paul Erdos

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by 
those who don't have it. -George Bernard Shaw

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of 
fools. Let's start with typewriters. -Frank Lloyd Wright

I forget, therefore I was.

People who buy diet soda by the case are missing the point of diet
soda.

Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but	who cares?

I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any
difference. -Steven Wright

Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car
could go straight upwards. -Sir Fred Hoyle  

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time
reading it. -Moses Hadas

Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink or do drugs. Because someday
they're going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won't know why.
-Redd Foxx

My parents always tell me to make my life an example of the principles
I believe in, but every time I do, they tell me to stop it. -Calvin

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?   
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Computers, televisions, and most other small household electric
appliances actually run, not on electricity, but on smoke. We know
this because when the smoke escapes, they	quit working.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place!  

Buick Riveras and white Volvos are aphodisiacs. -Steve Suchy

A man should live forever...or die trying.

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. -Charles De Gaulle

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -Martin, age 10

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. -Fletcher Knebel 

The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to 
despise the wealth that it prevents you from achieving.
-Russell Green

If crimefighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do
freedom fighters fight?

If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try
to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter
that much. -Jack Handey

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now 
I'm beginning to believe it. -Clarence Darrow

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't 
have any fun at all. -Woody Allen

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly 
making exciting discoveries. -A. A. Milne

I give myself, sometimes, admirable advice, but I am incapable of
taking it. -Mary Wortley Montagu

My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, 'If you could know how and when
you were going to die, would you want to know?'
I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, then forget it.'"
-Steven Wright

Homer Simpson: "Every time I learn something new it pushes some old
stuff out of my brain. Like that time I took that home wine making
course and forgot how to drive."

Never try and lower the morons-per-square-foot factor by building more
square feet.

Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have
gone to bed earlier. -James Dent

Murphy's Law is recursive: washing your car in order to make it rain
doesn't work.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy
something. -Jackie Mason




How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

My opinion is neither copyrighted nor trademarked, and it's price
competitive. If you like, I'll trade for one of yours.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Panic now and avoid the rush!

Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don't need an appointment.

Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! -Kermit the Frog

Football is a game in which a handful of fit men run around for an
hour and a half watched by millions of people who could really use the
exercise.

Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.

My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance. 

Discover wildlife! Have kids! 

Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends. 

My kids are the reason for everything. The reason everything is out of
place, broken and dirty.

I am the world's greatest authority on my own opinion.

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? 

The shortest distance between any two points is under construction.

Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Weeds for sale - pick your own.

It's much easier to ride the horse in the direction he's going.

Two reasons for being a teacher - July and August.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?

What do prisoners use to call each other? 
Cell phones. 

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

Never insult seven men if you're only carrying a six shooter.
-Harry Morgan

Once during prohibition, I was forced to live on nothing but food and
water. -W.C. Fields

A new study says that over half of all Californians are obese. In fact,
half of Californians are really two-thirds of Californians. -Jay Leno

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

I just bought a cured ham. I wonder what it had?

Sign on a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive." 

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate -- the bombs always
hit the ground.

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

One thing about the speed of light ... it gets here too early in the
morning.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

When I fly I always fly first class. Not the whole way but just 'til
they kick me out. -Pauly Shore

The opinions above are solely those of a 12 year old hacker who has
broken into my account, and not those of my employer or any other
organization.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Who says nothing is impossible - I've been doing nothing for years!

The best show on TV can usually be found on the OFF channel.

According to a new study, college tuition for a baby born today will
cost $36,000 a year. That's crazy, isn't it? Why would anyone send a
baby to college? -Jay Leno

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

5 out of every 4 Americans has trouble with fractions.

Some men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 
Other men kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

According to experts at Harvard University, there are just 2 types of
people. You're one of 'em.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman

Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people who do not have
children.

Truly yours truly,
Department of Redundancy Department.

Hospital is a place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping
pill.

I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made. 

USA Today has come out with a new survey:  Apparently three out of
four people make up 75 percent of the population. -David Letterman

Never say 'OOPS!' always say 'Ah, Interesting!'

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

If you lived here, you'd be home now.

Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.

Fortune Cookie: Next time read the fortune befo... [bitten off]

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were
standing on my shoulders. - Hal Abelson

The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he makes so many
of them.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter? -Steve Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the
entire area was missing. -Steve Wright

If you don't know what procrastination is just look up the definition
tomorrow.

Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed in the first
place.