My parents always tell me to make my life an example of the principles
I believe in, but every time I do, they tell me to stop it. -Calvin

Homer Simpson: "Every time I learn something new it pushes some old
stuff out of my brain. Like that time I took that home wine making
course and forgot how to drive."

I think most hiccup cures were invented for the amusement of the
patient's friends. -Hobbes, Calvin & Hobbes

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge. -Dilbert

"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?" -Homer Simpson 

Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one. 
-Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it
again. -Calvin

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists
elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I know the world isn't fair, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?
-Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

We don't devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for
jerks. -Calvin & Hobbes by Bill Waterson

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
suitable application of high explosives. -Dilbert

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

Good morning is a contradiction of terms. -Garfield by Jim Davis

Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a q-tip! -Homer Simpson

It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. -Homer Simpson

We put the "k" in "kwality." -Dilbert by Scott Adams

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia. -Charles Schultz

You can complain because roses have thorns, Or you can rejoice because
thorns have roses. -Ziggy

Mosquitos remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we
think. -Ziggy by Tom Wilson

Why does a dog wag its tail? Because the dog is smarter than the tail.
If the tail was smarter, the tail would wag the dog.
-Wag The Dog movie