BUSINESS
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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. -Dave Barry

Customer Service Sign: Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush
orders. If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.

Every successful enterprise requires three men: a dreamer, a
business-man, and a son-of-a-bitch.  Peter McArthur

Everybody's business is nobody's business. - Thomas Babington Macaulay

Getting sued by your record company for making 'uncommercial records'
after twenty years in the business, that's even better than receiving
a Grammy. -Neil Young

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the
dark. You know what you are doing, but nobody else does.
-Stuart H. Britt

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.
-Winston Churchill

History suggests that capitalism is a necessary condition for
political freedom. Clearly it is not a sufficient condition.
-Milton Friedman

It is not the employer who pays the wages. He only handles the money.
It is the product that pays the wages. -Henry Ford

The executive exists to make sensible exceptions to general rules.
-Elting E. Morison

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the
business known as gambling. -Ambrose Bierce

Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean
boss. Oh well, four out of five isn't bad. 
-Help Wanted Ad, PA newspaper, 1994

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government
and business. -Tom Robbins

In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and
experience. Take the experience first; the cash will come later.
-Harold Geneen

The first rule of any technology used in a business is that automation
applied to an efficient operation will magnify the efficiency. The
second is that automation applied to an inefficient operation will
magnify the inefficiency. -Bill Gates

Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
-David Sarnoff

It is unfortunate we can't buy many business executives for what they
are worth and sell them for what they think they are worth.
-Malcolm Forbes

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company can't
explain, in ONE SENTENCE....what it does....it's illegal. -Lewis Black 

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without
individual responsibility. -Ambrose Bierce

We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell
short of our expenditure. -Keith Davis

Their oral agreement isnt worth the paper its written on...

We can’t do anything to change the world until capitalism crumbles. In
the meantime we should all go shopping to console ourselves.
 
Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient
capital to form a corporation. -Howard Scott

A work desk is a garbage can with drawers.

If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does
an empty desk mean?

Hofstadter's rule: Everything takes longer than you expect, even when
you take Hofstadter's rule into account.

I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden
name. -Paula Poundstone

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy
something. -Jackie Mason

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

When money talks, nobody notices what grammar it uses.

A bank is a place where you can lend money if you can prove you don't
need it.

In most corporations, "Human Resources" is neither human nor
resourceful.

Phases of a Project:
1 -- Exultation
2 -- Disenchantment
3 -- Search for the Guilty
4 -- Punishment of the Innocent
5 -- Praise for the Uninvolved 

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless of
course I want to stay employed.

Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some
of it for tomorrow. 

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted. 

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves.

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do 
the work of one extraordinary man. -Elbert Hubbard

Definition of a competitive salary:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Happiness, wealth, and success are by-products of goal setting; they
cannot be the goal themselves. -Denis Waitley

Sign on a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."