A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense. -Woody Allen

If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk.

Driver carries no cash; HE IS MARRIED.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is

Drive defensively -- buy a tank.

The major cause of vehicle accidents is a screw loose in the nut
behind the wheel. 

If I'm So Slow, How come I'm Ahead of You? 

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a

People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

The Ten Most Important Two-Letter Words:
 If it is to be, it is up to me. 

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.

What is a "free" gift?  Aren't all gifts free?

Assassins do it from behind.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive, anyway.

I don't suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I only drink beer on days that end in 'y'.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

Procrastinate later.

Work can be rewarding. You should try it.

Visualize whirled peas.

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

The media are only as liberal as the conservative businesses that own

Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.

Home is where you hang your @.

Don't bother to agree with me, I've already changed my mind!

Caution: never drive faster than your angels can fly.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law) If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. Earth is full. Go home. Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal! For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Don't Steal!!! The Government hates competition. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink. Honk If You Want To See My Finger I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor. I can handle pain until it hurts. 43.3% of statistics are meaningless! Be alert. The world needs more lerts. I think I missed some of the nineties. Can we do it again? Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. In our garage the tank is never half empty. It's always half full. You can't scare me. I'm a teacher. It's Not The Pace Of Life That Concerns Me, It's The Sudden Stop At The End. Sign on the back of a leather jacket of a guy riding a motorcycle: "If you can read this, then my girlfriend fell off." Think 'honk' if you're telepathic. Horn broken, watch for finger. Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time Rehab Is for Quitters STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!