INSTANT WISDOM

                        COLLECTION OF QUOTES 5
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Normal is in the eye of the beholder. -Whoopi Goldberg

No one can predict to what heights you can soar. Even you will not
know until you spread your wings.

Experience is often what you get when you were expecting something
else.

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

People who never do any more than they get paid for never get paid for
any more than they do. -Albert Hubbard

Don't ask, "What if it doesn't work?" Ask instead, "What if it does?"

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. -Stephen Wright

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
-Jack Handey

Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.
-Mark Twain

No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of the
ladies. -Mark Twain

It is unrealistic to expect that you can reach for the stars without
first gaining a foothold on solid ground. Dreaming is easy. Going
after the dream in the real world requires a substance of effort.
-Ralph Marston

There's no bad weather. Just bad clothing.

If you knew you could not fail, what would you do?

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like
that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
   
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

I want to die peacefully while asleep like my grandfather, not
screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it. -Franklin P. Jones

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex
raises some pretty good questions. -Woody Allen

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific. -Jane Wagner

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1.  fighting;  2. fleeing;  3. feeding; and  4. mating.
-Psychology professor in neurophysiology intro. course.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants. -A. Whitney Brown

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so. -Douglas Adams

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important
that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much
money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove. -Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 
-Ashleigh Brilliant

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

"As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple
memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct
time to order chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the
letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate."
 -from Chocolate: The Consuming Passion

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that
a balanced diet?

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Sometimes you can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the
dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

How do you tell if Herring has gone bad? Does it start to smell good?

Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already.

On a string of chinese made christmas lights : "For indoor or outdoor
use only."

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that
are someone else's fault.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he
gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1.) Never tell
everything you know.

The Almighty moves mountains but don't forget to bring your shovel.

Talking comes by nature, silence by wisdom.

Even a fool knows we can't reach the stars, but that doesn't stop the
wise from trying.

"You wear nothing but you wear it so well." 
-Dave Matthews Band, "Crash"

What one truly needs in life has a value; what one doesn't need in
life has a price.

A man who makes no mistakes - seldom makes anything.

I keep my friends as misers do their treasure, because of all things
granted us by wisdom, none is greater or better than friendship.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
-Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
-Steven Wright
 
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So
I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
-Steven Wright

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell
you this, but that's another weakness. -Jack Handey

It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees,
like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the
plains, where some were probably hit by cars. -Jack Handey

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an idiot. -Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A
little old lady had to help me across the street. -Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." -Steven Wright 

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-Steven Wright 

Man does not always live up to Humanity, but comes closer by trying. 
-David Welton

Ask me not what I have, but what I am.
-Heinrich Heine

I like to keep an open mind, but not so open my brain falls out.

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate. 
-Doug Larson

No clever arrangement of bad eggs ever made a good omelet. 
-C. S. Lewis

Knowledge once gained casts a light beyond its own immediate
boundaries. -John Tyndall

You don't have to move that mountain
Just help me Lord to climb it
You don't have to move that stumbling block
Just show me the way around it
-Keith Whitley

Success is how high you bounce when you hit the bottom. -George Patton

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because
your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely
what others think you are. -John Wooden

It is funny about life: if you refuse to accept anything but the very
best you will very often get it. -W. Somerset Maugham

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. -William James

You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday
all the time. -Charles F. Kettering

The first and most important step toward success is the feeling that
we can succeed. -Nelson Boswell

One person with a belief is equal to a force of ninety-nine with only
interests. -John Stuart Mill

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an
optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties. 
-Harry Truman

He who asks a question may be a fool for five minutes, but he who
never asks a question remains a fool forever. -Tom Connelly

Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much. -Helen Keller

One does evil enough when one does nothing good. -German Proverb

People of mediocre ability sometimes achieve outstanding success
because they don't know when to quit. Most men succeed because they
are determined to. -George Allen

Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a
nightmare. -Japanese proverb

To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has
already achieved, but at what he aspires to. -Kahlil Gibran

A man is happy so long as he chooses to be happy and nothing can stop
him. -Alexander Solzenitsyn

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it
under his feet. -James Oppenheim

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Compiled 1999 by Jiri Matejicek, Instant Wisdom.
Feel free to copy anything you like. If you decide to redistribute the
whole file, please leave this note within - including the URL.

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