COLLECTION OF QUOTES 35

Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what
little chance you have in trying to change others. -Benjamin Franklin

Yes, to be a good parent, you have to sacrifice, but this is not a
requirement of parenting, it is a requirement of being good at
something. -Robert Brault

Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy
to do yesterday, but did anyway. -Mignon McLaughlin

Ninety percent of all those who fail are not actually defeated. They
simply quit. -Paul Meyer

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding,
he sings. -Ed Gardner

The most difficult part of getting to the top of the ladder is getting
through the crowd at the bottom. -Arch Ward

Most people, upon reaching the top, look down and enjoy the view. The
smart money is on looking up and finding new mountains to climb.
-Jeb Dickerson

A newspaper is a thing that people used to read. It's like a website,
but all the information is from yesterday. -Craig Ferguson

Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead. -Benjamin Franklin

It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always
dull. -H.L. Mencken

What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have yet to be discovered.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Lots of things that couldn't be done have been done.

A new study found that heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers, but the
ways they die are a lot more embarrassing. -Jimmy Fallon

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to
others. -Doug Larson

Failure is a detour, not a dead-end street. -Zig Ziglar

Everyone wishes to have truth on his side, but not everyone wishes to
be on the side of truth. -Richard Whately

For your convenience our staff is fluent in monosyllabic grunts. 

Character may be manifested in the great moments, but it is made in
the small ones. -Phillips Brooks 

Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3, not even for very large values of 2.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
-Rodney Dangerfield

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his
wallet. -Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio. -Rodney Dangerfield

There are two possible outcomes: if the result confirms the
hypothesis, then you've made a measurement. If the result is contrary
to the hypothesis, then you've made a discovery. -Enrico Fermi

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the 
equator... It would be a good idea to just leave them there. 

Great work is done by people who are not afraid to be great. 
-Fernando Flores

It's never too late to be what you might have been. -T.S. Elliott

Education is what survives when what has been learned has been
forgotten. -B.F. Skinner

Greatness lies not in being strong, but in the right use of strength.
-Henry Ward Beecher

A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves. Edward R. Murrow

As long as the world shall last there will be wrongs, and if no man
objected and no man rebelled, those wrongs would last forever.
-Clarence Darrow

You are alive in inverse proportion to the density of clichés in your
writing. -Nicolas Taleb

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex
for money costs less. -Brendan Francis

Women should have labels on their foreheads that say, 'Government
Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals,
current account, confidence, razor blades, and good standing among
your friends'. -Jeffrey Bernard 

Tuesday was the summer solstice. It's the longest day of the year,
if you don't count Thanksgiving with your family. -David Letterman

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the
first one was useless. -Nicholas Chamfort 

Suggestion No.1 to scientists:
If the model is incompatible with your data, it is not the data you
need to change. 

Point one finger, and 3 are pointing back.

The Gross National Product does not allow for the health of our
children... it does not include the beauty of our poetry... in short,
it measures everything except that which makes life worthwhile.
-Robert F. Kennedy

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents,
worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out
of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and
assassinate their character. -P. J. O’Rourke

It isn't a calamity to die with dreams unfulfilled, but it is a
calamity not to dream. -Benjamin Elijah Mays

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
we deserve. -George Bernard Shaw

Antiques are things one generation buys, the next generation gets rid
off, and the following generation buys again.

Love is not blind; it simply enables one to see things others fail to

Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.

Life is like a coin, you can spend it anyway you want, but only once.

Sometimes I worry about my short attention span, but not for long.
-Herb Caen

When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know
peace. -Jimi Hendrix

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue
is not hereditary. -Thomas Paine 

Go as far as you can see; when you get there, you'll be able to see
farther. -John Pierpont Morgan

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

I freed a thousand slaves; I could have freed a thousand more if only
they knew they were slaves. -Harriet Tubman

A man is rich in proportion to the number of things which he can
afford to let alone. -Henry David Thoreau

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. -Mark Twain

The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how
we behave when we don't know what to do. -John Holt

"In the beginning there was nothing... which exploded."
-The shortened Big Bang theory

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was
another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then
I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I
quit. -Steven Wright

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the
other is the husband!

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget
the fruit.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

My teacher must love me, she keeps putting little kisses (X's) next
to my work!

The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is
called a grandparent.

Drive carefully It's not only cars that can be recalled by their

Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button.

Our toaster works on either AC or DC, but not on bread. It has two
settings: too soon and too late.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end. -Woody Allen

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit. -Mel Brooks.

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule"
Plant manager, Delco Corporation

Apple is working on new 3-D technology that can be seen without
special glasses. But it's not ready yet, so if you want to experience
3-D without having to wear 3-D glasses, you have to go outside and
look at something. -Jimmy Fallon

Food, sport and marriage will do us good only when we're thinking of
something else. -Gilbert Keith Chesterton

A fool and his money are soon partying. -Steven Wright

There may be some things better than sex and some things may be worse,
but there is nothing exactly like it. -W. C. Fields

Creative activity could be described as a type of learning process
where teacher and pupil are located in the same individual.
-Arthur Koestler

So many people are stopping to smell the roses that no one remembers
to plant any.

Just because we are all going to die doesn't mean we should stop

Upon the advice of my lawyer, this t-shirt bears no message at this

For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would
be even worse. -Isaac Asimov

Tradition simply means that we need to end what began well and
continue what is worth continuing.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

When you forgive, you set a prisoner free. And then you discover that
the prisoner was you. 

If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.

Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which
is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us
to see. -C.S. Lewis

To find a fault is easy; to do better may be difficult. -Plutarch

A gift in season is a double favor to the needy. -Publilius Syrus

Procrastination is like a credit card: it's a lot of fun until you get
the bill. -Christopher Parker

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother
rather than all major credit cards. -Robert Orben

Money isn't everything - there's credit cards, money orders, and
travelers' checks.

History teaches us that the capacity for things to get worse is
limitless. -Chalmers Johnson

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming
gardeners who make our souls blossom. -Marcel Proust


Compiled 2011 by Jiri Matejicek, Instant Wisdom.
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