COLLECTION OF QUOTES 34

My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet

"Why is infinitesimal such a long word?"
"Why is 'eternal' shorter than 'momentary'?
...and 'eon' shorter than 'nanosecond'?"
"How is it possible to read the word 'invisible'?"
-George Carlin

Some people question the need for daylight-saving time. But daylight
is the only savings many people have right now. -Jimmy Kimmel

Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C. reported seeing a U.F.O. today.
Aliens, if you're searching for intelligent life, you've got the wrong
town. -Craig Ferguson

Graduation: Permission to work for 40 years.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke
up this morning and the pillow was gone. -Tommy Cooper

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.
-Tommy Cooper

Iím a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. -Dave Barry

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up
at work.

Customer Service Sign: Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush
orders. If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.

Every successful enterprise requires three men: a dreamer, a
business-man, and a son-of-a-bitch.  Peter McArthur

Everybody's business is nobody's business. - Thomas Babington Macaulay

Getting sued by your record company for making 'uncommercial records'
after twenty years in the business, that's even better than receiving
a Grammy. -Neil Young

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the
dark. You know what you are doing, but nobody else does.
-Stuart H. Britt

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.
-Winston Churchill

History suggests that capitalism is a necessary condition for
political freedom. Clearly it is not a sufficient condition.
-Milton Friedman

It is not the employer who pays the wages. He only handles the money.
It is the product that pays the wages. -Henry Ford

The executive exists to make sensible exceptions to general rules.
-Elting E. Morison

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the
business known as gambling. -Ambrose Bierce

Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean
boss. Oh well, four out of five isn't bad. 
-Help Wanted Ad, PA newspaper, 1994

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government
and business. -Tom Robbins

Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do. 
-Oscar Wilde

A closed mind is a good thing to lose.

A conservative is a politician who wants to keep what the liberals
fought for a generation ago. 

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
gives us modern art. -Tom Stoppard

Every work of art is an uncommitted crime. -Theodor Wiesengrund Adorno

If you want to be incrementally better: Be competitive. If you want to
be exponentially better: Be cooperative.

Courage is a quality so necessary for maintaining virtue, that it is
always respected, even when it is associated with vice.
-Samuel Johnson

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes
an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day
he forgives himself, he becomes wise. -Alden Nowlan

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by
deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up
enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. -Samuel Ullman

In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and
experience. Take the experience first; the cash will come later.
-Harold Geneen

The first rule of any technology used in a business is that automation
applied to an efficient operation will magnify the efficiency. The
second is that automation applied to an inefficient operation will
magnify the inefficiency. -Bill Gates

Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
-David Sarnoff

It is unfortunate we can't buy many business executives for what they
are worth and sell them for what they think they are worth.
-Malcolm Forbes

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have
a thousand reasons to smile.

Grandmothers are just antique little girls.

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the

If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd
have had them first. -Lois Wyse

The quieter you become, the more you can hear. -Baba Ram Dass 

Just as the caterpillar thought the world was over, it turned into a

It is not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys are winners
before the game ever starts. -Addison Walker

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company can't
explain, in ONE SENTENCE....what it's illegal. -Lewis Black 

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without
individual responsibility. -Ambrose Bierce

We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell
short of our expenditure. -Keith Davis

If all else fails immortality can be assured by a spectacular error.
-JK Galbraith 

Those proud of keeping an orderly desk never know the thrill of
finding something that they though irretrievably lost. -Helen Exley 

Their oral agreement isnt worth the paper its written on...

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of
any use to oneself. -Oscar Wilde

Advice: the smallest current coin. -Ambrose Bierce

You wouldn't have won if we'd beaten you. -Yogi Berra

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true. -Yogi Berra

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. 
-Steven Wright

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. 
-Steven Wright

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises
every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. -Steven Wright

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
to use either. -Mark Twain

When spider webs unite, they can tie up a lion -Ethiopian Proverb

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at
the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."
-Mary Anne Radmacher

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life
of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by
being shared. -Buddha

If fate means you to lose, give him a good fight anyhow.
-William McFee

Fairy tales are more than true - not because they tell us dragons
exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten.
-G. K. Chesterton

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
-Albert Einstein

Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones. -Mignon McLaughlin

Making millions of friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a
friend who stand by you when millions are against you.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that
matter. -Martin Luther King Jr.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole
staircase. -Martin Luther King Jr.

Quotes are nothing but inspiration for the uninspired. -Erma Bombeck

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile
that outlasts the payments. -Erma Bombeck

A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths;
feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but
frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your
possibilities. -William Arthur Ward

Its not about who you have known the longest but who has stayed by
your side the longest.

Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. -Oscar Wilde

We canít do anything to change the world until capitalism crumbles. In
the meantime we should all go shopping to console ourselves.

Sometimes I feel so sick at the state of the world I canít even finish
my second apple pie.

Some people become vandals because they want to make the world a
better looking place. -banksy

It doesn't matter if you try and try and try again, and fail. It does
matter if you try and fail, and fail to try again. -Charles Kettering

A hug is worth a thousand words. A friend is worth more

The world breaks everyone and afterward some are stronger in the
broken places. -Ernest Hemmingway
Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.
-Robert H. Schuller

As you were, I was. As I am, you will be. -cemetery

Just when I think I can make ends meet, someone moves the ends.

It's not premarital sex unless you're planning on getting married.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. -Mark Twain

What hurts us isn't what we don't know. It's what we know that just
ain't so. -Mark Twain

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. 
-Groucho Marx

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much
knowledge that is idle. -Kahlil Gibran 

Small deeds done are better than great deeds thought.

Success comes in can, failure comes in canít. 

He is able who thinks he is able. -Buddha

Recognition is the greatest motivator. -Gerard C. Eakedale

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect
wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to
long for the endless immensity of the sea. -Antoine de Saint-Exupery 

Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it is the only
thing. -Albert Schweitzer 

People prefer to follow those who help them, not those who intimidate
them. -C. Gene Wilkes 

Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is
demoralizing. -Harriet Braiker


Compiled 2010 by Jiri Matejicek, Instant Wisdom.
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