COLLECTION OF QUOTES 33 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead." The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again. Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens. Without love, breath is just a clock ticking. Everyone has a right to make money. A sign posted at a local pub reads "Be safe: Don't drink and drive. But please still drink." If you can't feel gratitude for what came to you, be thankful for what avoided you. -Todd Beeler On our crowded planet there are no longer any internal affairs! -Alexander Solzhenitsyn Should you have any questions during the exam, just raise your hand. This should cause enough blood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself. Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. -Ogden Nash A new study found that the average child is more likely to own a cell phone than a book. I guess that would explain why he's average. -Jimmy Fallon There's an old saying - There's No Place Like Home. Well, I went in the house next door, and it was very, very similar. -Geoffrey Parfitt They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million. -David Letterman Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end. -Henry David Thoreau, That man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest. -Henry David Thoreau Every time I find out the meaning of life, they change it. Here's a fun fact: You know how much Christmas wrapping paper is on the average roll? Four inches less than you need. -Jay Leno I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. -Rita Rudner A statistician is an accountant without the charisma. Without geometry, life is pointless. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. There are liars, outliers, and out-and-out liars. If you want three opinions, just ask two statisticians. A new study found that women's faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers. The study was conducted by the American Society of Wrong Things to Say to Your Wife. -Jimmy Fallon A mission statement is defined as "a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly." All good companies have one. If I'd asked my customers what they wanted, they'd have said a faster horse. -Henry Ford Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately. I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie. -Sting It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Hospitality, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging. -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others. -Pericles Do not bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself. -Willam Faulkner Optimist: A man who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery. -Walter Winchell Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible. -Doug Larson It opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. -Milton Berle Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. -Spanish Proverb There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting. -Mark Twain Winning is everything. The only ones who remember you when you come second are your wife and your dog. -Damon Hill When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. -P. J. O'Rourke The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised. -George Will My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened. -Montaigne Never make the same mistake twice or you'll never get around to all of them. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas? -Jean Kerr At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual. -Partick Moore I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. -Elayne Boosler Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. -Dave Barry A friend in need is a friend to be avoided. -Lord Samuel The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. -Marty Feldman --- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. I got my ear pierced at that place on St. Mark's Place because they said they'd do it while I waited. I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York. One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper. My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time." -Steven Wright --- Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." -Mary Anne Radmacher Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. -Norman B. Rice Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. -Buddha I do not fear death, in view of the fact that I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it. -Mark Twain Gravity canít be blamed for people falling in love. -Albert Einstein I didnít lose my mind, I sold it on eBay. You might not be able to solve the Worldís Problem but when you help even one person, you become part of the Solution. If you ever die in an elevator, press the up button. I believe in "Love at first sight" because I have loved my Mother ever since I opened my eyes. Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties... The sun is truly setting when little men cast tall shadows. Sooner or later those who win are those who think they can. I disagree with my psychiatrist's assertion that I'm depressed because I have a serotonin imbalance. I'm pretty sure the real reason is that my life sucks. We need not worry so much about what man descends from-it's what he descends to that shames the human race. -Mark Twain It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. -S. den Hartog A statistician is someone who loves to work with numbers but doesn't have the personality to be an accountant. Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive. Wallace Irwin 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population. If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will. -Paul Harvey Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal. -From a headstone in Ireland Thank you for your cooperation and vice versa. -Eugene Ormandy Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling. -Margaret Lee Runbeck We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it. They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body. When I was born I was so surprised I didnít talk for a year and a half. Boredom is the deadliest poison. -William F. Buckley, Jr. You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty. -Mohandas Gandhi All of us are guinea pigs in the laboratory of God. Humanity is just a work in progress. -Tennessee Williams It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love one's neighbor. -Eric Hoffer When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?" -Sydney Harris ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Compiled 2009 by Jiri Matejicek, Instant Wisdom. Feel free to copy anything you like. If you decide to redistribute the whole file, please leave this note within -including the URL.