INSTANT

                       COLLECTION OF QUOTES 32
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Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds
whatever we want. -Tao Te Ching

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in
one ahead. -Bill McGlashen

A donkey with a load of holy books is still a donkey. -Sufi proverb

DENTURES -- Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed
periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment
to Spanish music.

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Always look at what you have left. Never look at what you have lost.
-Robert H. Schuller

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.

Travelers, there is no path, paths are made by walking.
-Antonio Machado

Intellectuals are people who believe that ideas are of more importance
than values. That is to say, their own ideas and other people's
values. -Gerald Brenan

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men,
undergo the fatigues of supporting it. -Thomas Paine

It is error only, and not truth, that shrinks from inquiry.
-Thomas Paine

If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have
peace. -Thomas Paine

At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head
and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always
want us to make a commitment?

I like to buy women a lot of drinks, not so much to lessen their
inhibitions as to lower their standards. 

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the
first one was useless. -Nicholas Chamfort

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never
be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.  

Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens. 

"My invention can detect human stupidity. It has a very simple
interface. All I do is point it at people."
"Then what does it do?"
"Why would it need to do anything else?"
-Dogbert, Dilbert, Dogbert

No amount of observations of white swans can allow the inference that
all swans are white, but the observation of a single black swan is
sufficient to refute that conclusion. -David Hume

A black hen lays a white egg. -French Proverb 

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
-Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure. -Clarence Darrow

The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to
wonder whether you are happy or not. -George Bernard Shaw 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-Victor Borge

I took a take-home exam and forgot where I lived.

Wise men learn more from the fools than fools from the wise.

No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them
deliberately. -Michel de Montaigne

There's always somebody who is paid too much, and taxed too little -
and it's always somebody else. -Cullen Hightower

When primitive man screamed and beat the ground with sticks, they
called it "witchcraft". When modern man does the same, they call it
"golf".

It's only when you need to knock on wood that you realize that the
world is made of aluminum and plastic.

A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved
from a simple system that worked well.

No job is so simple that it can't be screwed up.

The person who says that something can't be done should never
interrupt the person who is doing it.

The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed but
that he cannot believe anyone else. -George Bernard Shaw

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the
business known as gambling. -Ambrose Bierce

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the
thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
-Mike Barfield

Neither snow nor rain nor gloom of night shall stay these couriers
from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. -Postman's creed

Anything less than a conscious commitment to the important is an
unconscious commitment to the unimportant. -Stephen Covey  

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Life isn't measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that
take your breath away.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

All sunshine makes the desert. -Arab proverb

Architecture is frozen music. -de Stael

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. 

Knowledge talks. Wisdom listens.

I realized the impact of computers on my young son one evening when
there was a dramatic sunset. Pointing to the western sky, David said,
"I wish we could click and save that."

A lie has speed, but truth has endurance. -Edgar J. Mohn  

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed.
Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with
love, grace and gratitude. -Denis Waitely  

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Hope is the only universal liar who never loses his reputation for
veracity. -Robert G. Ingersoll 

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise
as a man's head. -Ambrose Bierce

All gardening is landscape painting. -Alexander Pope

One of the healthiest ways to gamble is with a spade and a package of
garden seeds. -Dan Bennett

Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of
perspiration. -Lou Erickson

God made rainy days so gardeners could get the housework done.

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've
decided to see beyond the imperfections.

I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict
justice. -Abraham Lincoln

My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are
content with your failure. -Abraham Lincoln

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where
there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. -Rita Rudner

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out
in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable
heaters that snore. -Rita Rudner

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it
out of sight of women. -Rita Rudner

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they
take them to clothes. -Rita Rudner

A new study finds that people who are chipper and happy live longer.
Which is surprising because people who are not chipper and happy want
to kill people who are always chipper and happy. -David Letterman

Money isn't the most important thing in life, but it's reasonably
close to oxygen on the "gotta have it" scale. -Zig Ziglar 

If you don't see yourself as a winner, then you cannot perform as a
winner. -Zig Ziglar 

A goal properly set is halfway reached. -Zig Ziglar 

Failure is a detour, not a dead-end street. -Zig Ziglar 

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are
ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
-George Carlin 

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people
who believe it. -George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning. -George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. -George Carlin 

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's
nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. -Rodney Dangerfield 

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
-Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee.
Unfortunately, she was just coming home. -Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
-Rodney Dangerfield 

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
-Rita Rudner 

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it
a few times. -Rita Rudner 

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together
and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it
Jumping up and down. -Rita Rudner 

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. -Joseph Heller

When I was a kid I said I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up.
Everyone just laughed at me!

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell
you." So I didn't. 

Don't worry what people think. They don't do it very often.

I'm always right. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.

I child-proofed my house. But, somehow, they still get in.

I'm not insensitive, I just don't give _shit_!

I may be wrong, but I doubt it.

Retired: I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today!

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him
absolutely no good. -Samuel Johnson

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Compiled 2009 by Jiri Matejicek, Instant Wisdom.
Feel free to copy anything you like. If you decide to redistribute the
whole file, please leave this note within -including the URL.

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