COLLECTION OF QUOTES 32 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. -Ralph Waldo Emerson We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want. -Tao Te Ching Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead. -Bill McGlashen A donkey with a load of holy books is still a donkey. -Sufi proverb DENTURES -- Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" How come "abbreviated" is such a long word? Always look at what you have left. Never look at what you have lost. -Robert H. Schuller There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next morning found out that she was six months pregnant. The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it. Travelers, there is no path, paths are made by walking. -Antonio Machado Intellectuals are people who believe that ideas are of more importance than values. That is to say, their own ideas and other people's values. -Gerald Brenan Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigues of supporting it. -Thomas Paine It is error only, and not truth, that shrinks from inquiry. -Thomas Paine If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. -Thomas Paine At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always want us to make a commitment? I like to buy women a lot of drinks, not so much to lessen their inhibitions as to lower their standards. The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. -Nicholas Chamfort The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again. Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens. "My invention can detect human stupidity. It has a very simple interface. All I do is point it at people." "Then what does it do?" "Why would it need to do anything else?" -Dogbert, Dilbert, Dogbert No amount of observations of white swans can allow the inference that all swans are white, but the observation of a single black swan is sufficient to refute that conclusion. -David Hume A black hen lays a white egg. -French Proverb He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. -Winston Churchill I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. -Clarence Darrow The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not. -George Bernard Shaw Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -Victor Borge I took a take-home exam and forgot where I lived. Wise men learn more from the fools than fools from the wise. No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately. -Michel de Montaigne There's always somebody who is paid too much, and taxed too little - and it's always somebody else. -Cullen Hightower When primitive man screamed and beat the ground with sticks, they called it "witchcraft". When modern man does the same, they call it "golf". It's only when you need to knock on wood that you realize that the world is made of aluminum and plastic. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked well. No job is so simple that it can't be screwed up. The person who says that something can't be done should never interrupt the person who is doing it. The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed but that he cannot believe anyone else. -George Bernard Shaw The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling. -Ambrose Bierce Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones. -Mike Barfield Neither snow nor rain nor gloom of night shall stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. -Postman's creed Anything less than a conscious commitment to the important is an unconscious commitment to the unimportant. -Stephen Covey Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Life isn't measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. All sunshine makes the desert. -Arab proverb Architecture is frozen music. -de Stael Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. Knowledge talks. Wisdom listens. I realized the impact of computers on my young son one evening when there was a dramatic sunset. Pointing to the western sky, David said, "I wish we could click and save that." A lie has speed, but truth has endurance. -Edgar J. Mohn Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. -Denis Waitely Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Hope is the only universal liar who never loses his reputation for veracity. -Robert G. Ingersoll Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. -Ambrose Bierce All gardening is landscape painting. -Alexander Pope One of the healthiest ways to gamble is with a spade and a package of garden seeds. -Dan Bennett Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration. -Lou Erickson God made rainy days so gardeners could get the housework done. Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections. I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice. -Abraham Lincoln My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure. -Abraham Lincoln Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. -Rita Rudner Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. -Rita Rudner Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women. -Rita Rudner Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes. -Rita Rudner A new study finds that people who are chipper and happy live longer. Which is surprising because people who are not chipper and happy want to kill people who are always chipper and happy. -David Letterman Money isn't the most important thing in life, but it's reasonably close to oxygen on the "gotta have it" scale. -Zig Ziglar If you don't see yourself as a winner, then you cannot perform as a winner. -Zig Ziglar A goal properly set is halfway reached. -Zig Ziglar Failure is a detour, not a dead-end street. -Zig Ziglar Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. -George Carlin I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. -George Carlin Electricity is really just organized lightning. -George Carlin Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. -George Carlin A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. -Rodney Dangerfield I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. -Rodney Dangerfield My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. -Rodney Dangerfield When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. -Rodney Dangerfield In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. -Rita Rudner Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. -Rita Rudner The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. -Rita Rudner He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. -Joseph Heller When I was a kid I said I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up. Everyone just laughed at me! A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't. Don't worry what people think. They don't do it very often. I'm always right. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken. I child-proofed my house. But, somehow, they still get in. I'm not insensitive, I just don't give _shit_! I may be wrong, but I doubt it. Retired: I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today! The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. -Samuel Johnson ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Compiled 2009 by Jiri Matejicek, Instant Wisdom. Feel free to copy anything you like. If you decide to redistribute the whole file, please leave this note within -including the URL.