INSTANT

                       COLLECTION OF QUOTES 29
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When you drink the water, remember the spring. -Chinese Proverb

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and   
kids with fake IDs." -HOMER J. SIMPSON

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is   
important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!   
Except the weasel." -HOMER J. SIMPSON

Visits always give pleasure - if not the arrival, the departure.   
-Portuguese Proverb  

Spell to Make Your Computer Fast   
1. Open Window.   
2. Throw Computer out window. (If the computer hit ground   
   really fast, the spell worked.) 

There was a sign at the gas station near by my house that said, 'We
take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.' After I
filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my
American Express. -Jay Leno

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that
he is someone today. -Stacia Tauscher

The sound of children playing is a universal sound of peace.
-Heng Sure 

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in
torment if you do not trust enough. -Frank Crane

Do not hit at all if it can be avoided, but never hit softly.
-Theodore Roosevelt

Expect people to be better than they are; it helps them to become
better. But don't be disappointed when they are not; it helps them to
keep trying. -Merry Browne

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
-Albert Einstein

According to a survey by the American Medical Association, 74% of
female college students say they use drinking as an excuse for wild
sexual behavior. And 100% of college men say thatís an acceptable
excuse. -Jay Leno

Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite
hope. -Martin Luther King, Jr.

People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the worst idea.
Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look any better.
-Margot Black

Wise men put their trust in ideas and not in circumstances.   
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands, those of you in the
more expensive ones rattle your jewelry. -John Lennon

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where
they're going and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg

War, at first, is the hope that one will be better off; next, the
expectation that the other fellow will be worse off; then, the
satisfaction that he isn't any better off; and, finally, the surprise
at everyone's being worse off. -Karl Kraus

Born stupid? Try again!

Deeds, not stones, are the true monuments of the great.
-John L. Motley

A marriage in Prague is like a chess match because it always ends in
Czech-mate.

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him:
Whose? -Don Marquis

Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are
malevolently well informed about the United States.
-J. Bartlett Brebner

Archeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a
coffin?

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money
in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.
-Evan Esar

A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not protect against
heart attacks and cancer, and might actually raise the risk of heart
failure. The study was published in this month's Journal of Things
that Scientists Told You to Do Last Month That Turned Out to Be
Harmful This Month. -Dennis Miller

A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey.

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a
year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its
place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. -Lance Armstrong 

Without tradition, art is a flock of sheep without a shepherd. Without
innovation, it is a corpse. -Winston Churchill

The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would
never wear the same outfit in public. -Phyllis Diller

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
-Shirley Temple

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. -Voltaire

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many
of our people need it sorely on these accounts. -Mark Twain

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on
cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
-Conan O'Brien   

You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do
something about its width and depth. -H.L. Mencken

We build the road and the road builds us. -A.T. Ariyaratne 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I
realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked
Him to forgive me. -Emo Philips

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes
me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. 
-Garrison Keillor

If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, march down there
and turn it on yourself.

Bumper Sticker:
"If this van's a rockin' don't come a knockin'"

Ideas are great arrows, but there has to be a bow. -Bill Moyers

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young,
compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and
tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have
been all of these. -George Washington Carver  

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that
was the closest our country has ever been to being even. -Will Rogers   

No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more thoroughly
than the one who's giving it. -Hal Chadwick

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
-Groucho Marx

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute
somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. 
-Groucho Marx

On a bumper sticker:
"Take my advice, I'm not using it"

Sign seen in a bar:
"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

In giving advice, seek to help, not please, your friend. -Solon

We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a
journey that no one can take us or spare us. -Marcel Proust 

Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the
problem. -John Galsworthy

The road to success is lined with many tempting parking spaces.

There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience. -French Proverb

I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn't work for me.
When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made me
hungry. -Planojo 

The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant
is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and
easy weekly payments. -Mad Magazine

Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's
greed. -Mohandas K. Gandhi

Nature provides a free lunch, but only if we control our appetites.
-William Ruckelshaus

I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?
-Emo Philips 

A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. -English Proverb

A hard man is good to find. -Mae West 

In this world, you must be a bit too kind to be kind enough.
-Pierre Carlet de Chamblain de Marivaux

The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt
the impossible, and achieve it, generation after generation.
-Pearl S. Buck

I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went
in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned
over and pushed me.

Experience is what you get by not having it when you need it. 

Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there
be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of
blind-folded fear. -Thomas Jefferson

The reason people blame things on the previous generations is that
there's only one other choice. -Doug Larson

There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do
any business from there. -Harland Sanders

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
-John Wooden

Today is the 24th anniversary of the IBM personal computer. Experts
say it revolutionized work and made people more productive at the
office. Except for the six hours a day they are emailing friends,
surfing the Internet, and playing solitaire! -Jay Leno

The airlines are working much harder to deal with the problem of lost
luggage. This morning I saw a picture of my suitcase on a milk carton.   

Don't worry; the only person to ever get their work done by Friday was
Robinson Crusoe. 

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and
I have succeeded fairly well. -Robert Benchley

To let knowledge produce troubles, and then use knowledge to prepare
against them, is like stirring water in hopes of making it clear.
-Lao-Tzu

It's graduation time in New York City and many of the students here
are honor students. Yes your honor, no your honor, not guilty your
honor. -Dave Letterman 

There is nothing more uncommon than common sense. -Frank Lloyd Wright

Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old, seek what
they sought. -Matsuo Basho  

Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live.
-Jim Rohn

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Compiled 2006 by Jiri Matejicek, Instant Wisdom.
Feel free to copy anything you like. If you decide to redistribute the
whole file, please leave this note within -including the URL.

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