COLLECTION OF QUOTES 29 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- When you drink the water, remember the spring. -Chinese Proverb "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs." -HOMER J. SIMPSON "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." -HOMER J. SIMPSON Visits always give pleasure - if not the arrival, the departure. -Portuguese Proverb Spell to Make Your Computer Fast 1. Open Window. 2. Throw Computer out window. (If the computer hit ground really fast, the spell worked.) There was a sign at the gas station near by my house that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.' After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express. -Jay Leno We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. -Stacia Tauscher The sound of children playing is a universal sound of peace. -Heng Sure You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough. -Frank Crane Do not hit at all if it can be avoided, but never hit softly. -Theodore Roosevelt Expect people to be better than they are; it helps them to become better. But don't be disappointed when they are not; it helps them to keep trying. -Merry Browne Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. -Albert Einstein According to a survey by the American Medical Association, 74% of female college students say they use drinking as an excuse for wild sexual behavior. And 100% of college men say thatís an acceptable excuse. -Jay Leno Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours. We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope. -Martin Luther King, Jr. People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look any better. -Margot Black Wise men put their trust in ideas and not in circumstances. -Ralph Waldo Emerson Those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands, those of you in the more expensive ones rattle your jewelry. -John Lennon I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg War, at first, is the hope that one will be better off; next, the expectation that the other fellow will be worse off; then, the satisfaction that he isn't any better off; and, finally, the surprise at everyone's being worse off. -Karl Kraus Born stupid? Try again! Deeds, not stones, are the true monuments of the great. -John L. Motley A marriage in Prague is like a chess match because it always ends in Czech-mate. When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: Whose? -Don Marquis Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States. -J. Bartlett Brebner Archeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week. -Evan Esar A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might actually raise the risk of heart failure. The study was published in this month's Journal of Things that Scientists Told You to Do Last Month That Turned Out to Be Harmful This Month. -Dennis Miller A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey. Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. -Lance Armstrong Without tradition, art is a flock of sheep without a shepherd. Without innovation, it is a corpse. -Winston Churchill The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public. -Phyllis Diller I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. -Shirley Temple Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. -Voltaire Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. -Mark Twain Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!' -Conan O'Brien You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth. -H.L. Mencken We build the road and the road builds us. -A.T. Ariyaratne When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. -Emo Philips They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. -Garrison Keillor If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, march down there and turn it on yourself. Bumper Sticker: "If this van's a rockin' don't come a knockin'" Ideas are great arrows, but there has to be a bow. -Bill Moyers How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these. -George Washington Carver Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even. -Will Rogers No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more thoroughly than the one who's giving it. -Hal Chadwick Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? -Groucho Marx I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. -Groucho Marx On a bumper sticker: "Take my advice, I'm not using it" Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance." In giving advice, seek to help, not please, your friend. -Solon We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take us or spare us. -Marcel Proust Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem. -John Galsworthy The road to success is lined with many tempting parking spaces. There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience. -French Proverb I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn't work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made me hungry. -Planojo The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments. -Mad Magazine Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's greed. -Mohandas K. Gandhi Nature provides a free lunch, but only if we control our appetites. -William Ruckelshaus I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it? -Emo Philips A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. -English Proverb A hard man is good to find. -Mae West In this world, you must be a bit too kind to be kind enough. -Pierre Carlet de Chamblain de Marivaux The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible, and achieve it, generation after generation. -Pearl S. Buck I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me. Experience is what you get by not having it when you need it. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear. -Thomas Jefferson The reason people blame things on the previous generations is that there's only one other choice. -Doug Larson There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there. -Harland Sanders Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. -John Wooden Today is the 24th anniversary of the IBM personal computer. Experts say it revolutionized work and made people more productive at the office. Except for the six hours a day they are emailing friends, surfing the Internet, and playing solitaire! -Jay Leno The airlines are working much harder to deal with the problem of lost luggage. This morning I saw a picture of my suitcase on a milk carton. Don't worry; the only person to ever get their work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. -Robert Benchley To let knowledge produce troubles, and then use knowledge to prepare against them, is like stirring water in hopes of making it clear. -Lao-Tzu It's graduation time in New York City and many of the students here are honor students. Yes your honor, no your honor, not guilty your honor. -Dave Letterman There is nothing more uncommon than common sense. -Frank Lloyd Wright Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old, seek what they sought. -Matsuo Basho Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live. -Jim Rohn ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Compiled 2006 by Jiri Matejicek, Instant Wisdom. Feel free to copy anything you like. If you decide to redistribute the whole file, please leave this note within -including the URL.