COLLECTION OF QUOTES 25

Bumper Stickers...
If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk.

No one ever became great by imitation. -Samuel Johnson

There is a great man who makes every man feel small. But the real
great man is the man who makes every man feel great. -G. K. Chesterton 

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

The main fuel to speed the world's progress is our stock of knowledge,
and the brake is our lack of imagination. -Julian Simon

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.
-Margaret Bonanno

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now 
I'm beginning to believe it. -Clarence Darrow

Inventors and men of genius have almost always been regarded as fools
at the beginning - and very often at the end  of their careers. 

We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by 
Frankenstein logic. -David Russell

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't 
have any fun at all. -Woody Allen

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say
"I want to see the manager." -William S. Burroughs

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year 
ago. -Bernard Berenson

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly 
making exciting discoveries. -A. A. Milne

I give myself, sometimes, admirable advice, but I am incapable of
taking it. -Mary Wortley Montagu

My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, 'If you could know how and when
you were going to die, would you want to know?'
I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, then forget it.'"
-Steven Wright

If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of
advice for all humanity it would be this: Expect trouble as an
inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look
it squarely in eye and say, 'I will be bigger than you. You cannot
defeat me.' -Ann Landers

Anyone who starts a sentence, "With all due respect..." is about to
insult you.

May the forces of evil become lost and confused on the way to your

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. -Dave Barry

Homer Simpson: "Every time I learn something new it pushes some old
stuff out of my brain.  Like that time I took that home wine making
course and forgot how to drive."

Never undertake anything for which you wouldn't have the courage to
ask the blessing of Heaven. -G. C. Lichtenberg

The world of tomorrow belongs to the person who has the vision today.

Some goals are so worthy, it's glorious even to fail.

Never try and lower the morons-per-square-foot factor by building more
square feet.

Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have
gone to bed earlier. -James Dent

One's philosophy is expressed in the choices one makes.
-Anna Eleanor Roosevelt

Murphy's Law is recursive: washing your car in order to make it rain
doesn't work.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.
-Gerry Spence

Kids go where there's excitement. They stay where there's love.

Anyone can count the seeds in an apple.
No one can count the apples in a seed.

Time spent laughing is time spent with the Gods. -Japanese proverb

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy
something. -Jackie Mason

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Bumper Stickers...
Driver carries no cash; HE IS MARRIED

What is new in our time is the increased power of the
authorities to enforce their own prejudices.

My opinion is neither copyrighted nor trademarked, and it's price
competitive. If you like, I'll trade for one of yours.

No one knows what he can do till he tries. -Publilius Syrus

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.
-Michael Jordan

Persistence is what makes the impossible possible, the possible likely
and the likely definite. -Robert Half

It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it.
-Lena Horne

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that
curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly.
-Arnold Edinborough

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Panic now and avoid the rush!

The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost
all your money.

Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don't need an appointment.

Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! -Kermit the Frog

You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're
all the same!

Football is a game in which a handful of fit men run around for an
hour and a half watched by millions of people who could really use the

A sense of humor is the lubricant of life's machinery.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our
enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.

Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.

My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance. 

Discover wildlife! Have kids! 

Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends. 

You can't climb up to the second floor without a ladder. When you set
your aim too high and don't fulfill it, then your enthusiasm turns to
bitterness. Try for a goal that's reasonable, and then gradually raise
it. That's the only way to get to the top. -Emil Zatopek

My kids are the reason for everything. The reason everything is out of
place, broken and dirty.

I am the world's greatest authority on my own opinion.

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? 

The shortest distance between any two points is under construction.

Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.

Knowledge is free at the library. Just bring your own container.

Love is a great beautifier. -Louisa May Alcott

Free advice is worth every penny.

Take interest in your future. It's where you're going to spend the
rest of your life.

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Weeds for sale - pick your own.

It's much easier to ride the horse in the direction he's going.

Two reasons for being a teacher - July and August.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so

There are people who laugh to show their fine teeth; and there are
those who cry to show their good hearts.

What do prisoners use to call each other? 
Cell phones. 

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
-Ellen Parr

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

Never insult seven men if you're only carrying a six shooter.
-Harry Morgan

Once during prohibition, I was forced to live on nothing but food and
water. -W.C. Fields

A new study says that over half of all Californians are obese. In fact,
half of Californians are really two-thirds of Californians. -Jay Leno

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.

The easiest way to refold a road map is differently.

Politics consists in the art of taking votes from the poor and money
from the rich under the pretext of protecting each from the other.

I just bought a cured ham. I wonder what it had?

There are people who want to be everywhere at once... and they get 
nowhere. -Carl Sandburg

Sign on a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive." 

You play the way you practice. -Pop Warner

They wouldn't call it a crush if it didn't hurt.

Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an
unidentified source.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate -- the bombs always
hit the ground.

If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, march down there
and turn it on yourself.

You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips.

Goals are dreams with deadlines.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Heroes and winners aren't the same thing.

Seven days without laughter makes one weak.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless of
course I want to stay employed.
If I have a thousand ideas and only one turns out to be good, I am
satisfied. -Alfred Nobel

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to
stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have
crossed the mountain.

You can't always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes you just
might find you get what you need. -Mick Jagger

The best thing about the good old days is that you were younger then.

Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but
they die young. -Arthur Wing Pinero

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your
belief will help create that fact. -William James

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

One thing about the speed of light ... it gets here too early in the

Think about the impact of today's decisions, for tomorrow is much
longer than today. -Don Raiff

Going to church/temple/mosque doesn't make you religious any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.


Compiled 2003 by Jiri Matejicek, Instant Wisdom.
Feel free to copy anything you like. If you decide to redistribute the
whole file, please leave this note within - including the URL.