COLLECTION OF QUOTES 24 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- When I fly I always fly first class. Not the whole way but just 'til they kick me out. -Pauly Shore Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard them and their value will never be known. Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life. -Ralph Waldo Emerson The opinions above are solely those of a 12 year old hacker who has broken into my account, and not those of my employer or any other organization. Most cardiologists will tell you it's possible to break your own heart. I have not yet begun to procrastinate. Common sense isn't very common at all. The main cause of deterioration in the use of the English language is very simply the enormous increase in the number of people who are using it. If they want peace, nations should avoid the pin pricks that precede cannon shots. -Napolean Bonaparte As I said before, I never repeat myself. Who says nothing is impossible - I've been doing nothing for years! Before everything else, getting ready is the secret to success. -Henry Ford The three secrets to success are hard work and never telling anyone the third secret. The best show on TV can usually be found on the OFF channel. According to a new study, college tuition for a baby born today will cost $36,000 a year. That's crazy, isn't it? Why would anyone send a baby to college? -Jay Leno Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 5 out of every 4 Americans has trouble with fractions. Some men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. Other men kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife. Expect people to be better than they are; it helps them to become better. But don't be disappointed when they are not; it helps them to keep trying. -Merry Browne According to experts at Harvard University, there are just 2 types of people. You're one of 'em. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people who do not have children. A good motto is: Use friendliness but do not use your friends. -Frank Crane Truly yours truly, Department of Redundancy Department. Hospital is a place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill. Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who don't. I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made. Before you open your mouth to speak, please make sure it's an improvement upon the silence. Millions yearn for immorality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - Susan Ertz Life is like a grammar lesson. You find the past perfect and the present tense. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. -David Letterman If anyone speaks badly of you, live so none will believe it. Never say 'OOPS!' always say 'Ah, Interesting!' Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. If you lived here, you'd be home now. Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. Fortune Cookie: Next time read the fortune befo... [bitten off] If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. - Hal Abelson Bumper Stickers... Drive defensively -- buy a tank. Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain. The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he makes so many of them. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? -Steve Wright Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing. -Steve Wright You must have long range goals to keep you from being frustrated by short range failure. -Charles Noble If you don't know what procrastination is just look up the definition tomorrow. Although it's never fun getting one year older, it sure beats the alternative! Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed in the first place. I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. -George Burns Posterity: you will never know how much it has cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it. -John Quincy Adams A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success. The difference between going to school and getting an education is the difference between picking an apple and eating it. Si hoc legere scis numium eruditionis habes. - If you can read this, you're overeducated. Always aim for achievement, and forget about success. -Helen Hayes Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming. Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in times for Christmas. Christmas is just like a day at the office - you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. I truly believe there is more to life than money, booze and sex. I just haven't figured out what it is yet. Black Holes Suck! Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. -Rod Stewart Tears will get you sympathy. Sweat will get you results. Rain is snow that shovels itself. Good, fast, cheap. Pick any two. Why should we refuse the happiness this hour gives us, because some other hour might take it away? -John Hobbes A poor fit between your passions and your work may be more detrimental than a poor fit between the demands of your job and your current abilities. -Robert K. Cooper Instead of loving your enemies -- treat your friends a little better. -Edgar Watson Howe Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing with ingredients you forgot to buy, using utensils you don't own, to make a dish even the dog won't eat. If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. Tired of getting older? Consider the alternative. Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men. -John Fitzgerald Kennedy Alle Menschen sind Auslander - fast uberall. (We are all foreigners - almost everywhere.) Happiness is an illusion caused by the temporary loss of reality. The older I get the better I used to be. A work desk is a garbage can with drawers. Anyone with money to burn will always find someone to tend the fire. Heroism, the caucasian mountaineers say, is endurance for one moment more. -George F. Kennan I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. -Robert McCloskey A road map always tells you everything except how to refold it. One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you. Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you. Hofstadter's rule: Everything takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's rule into account. All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. -Pat Paulsen All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. I do then with my friends as I do with my books. I would have them where I can find them, but I seldom use them. -Ralph Waldo Emerson Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be. I'd say he's the laziest guy alive but I'm not sure about that last part. One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words. -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Aim at the sun, and you may not reach it; but your arrow will fly far higher than if aimed at an object on a level with yourself. -Joel Hawes Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -Mike Adams I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am. Intelligence is like a river. The deeper it is, the less noise it makes. If we were meant to travel economy class, we would have been made narrower. He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead. -Voltaire Foreign aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey Most people only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -James Bovard The major cause of vehicle accidents is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel. A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense not to himself. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination. -David Brent ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Compiled 2002-3 by Jiri Matejicek, Instant Wisdom. Feel free to copy anything you like. If you decide to redistribute the whole file, please leave this note within - including the URL.