INSTANT WISDOM

                       COLLECTION OF QUOTES 24
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When I fly I always fly first class. Not the whole way but just 'til
they kick me out. -Pauly Shore

Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard
them and their value will never be known. Improve them and they will
become the brightest gems in a useful life. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

The opinions above are solely those of a 12 year old hacker who has
broken into my account, and not those of my employer or any other
organization.

Most cardiologists will tell you it's possible to break your own
heart.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

Common sense isn't very common at all.

The main cause of deterioration in the use of the English language is
very simply the enormous increase in the number of people who are
using it.

If they want peace, nations should avoid the pin pricks that precede
cannon shots. -Napolean Bonaparte

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Who says nothing is impossible - I've been doing nothing for years!

Before everything else, getting ready is the secret to success.
-Henry Ford

The three secrets to success are hard work and never telling anyone
the third secret.

The best show on TV can usually be found on the OFF channel.

According to a new study, college tuition for a baby born today will
cost $36,000 a year. That's crazy, isn't it? Why would anyone send a
baby to college? -Jay Leno

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

5 out of every 4 Americans has trouble with fractions.

Some men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 
Other men kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Expect people to be better than they are; it helps them to become
better. But don't be disappointed when they are not; it helps them to
keep trying. -Merry Browne

According to experts at Harvard University, there are just 2 types of
people. You're one of 'em.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman

Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people who do not have
children.

A good motto is: Use friendliness but do not use your friends.
-Frank Crane 

Truly yours truly,
Department of Redundancy Department.

Hospital is a place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping
pill.

Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who
don't.

I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made. 

Before you open your mouth to speak, please make sure it's an
improvement upon the silence.

Millions yearn for immorality who don't know what to do with
themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - Susan Ertz

Life is like a grammar lesson. You find the past perfect and the
present tense.

USA Today has come out with a new survey:  Apparently three out of
four people make up 75 percent of the population. -David Letterman

If anyone speaks badly of you, live so none will believe it.

Never say 'OOPS!' always say 'Ah, Interesting!'

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

If you lived here, you'd be home now.

Armadillo:  To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.

Fortune Cookie: Next time read the fortune befo... [bitten off]

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were
standing on my shoulders. - Hal Abelson

Bumper Stickers...
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to
stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have
crossed the mountain.

The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he makes so many
of them.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter? -Steve Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the
entire area was missing. -Steve Wright

You must have long range goals to keep you from being frustrated by
short range failure. -Charles Noble

If you don't know what procrastination is just look up the definition
tomorrow.

Although it's never fun getting one year older, it sure beats the
alternative!

Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed in the first
place.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at
something I hate. -George Burns

Posterity: you will never know how much it has cost my generation to
preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it. 
-John Quincy Adams

A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of
praise after success. 

The difference between going to school and getting an education is the
difference between picking an apple and eating it.

Si hoc legere scis numium eruditionis habes. - If you can read this,
you're overeducated.

Always aim for achievement, and forget about success. -Helen Hayes

Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities
while programming.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in times for
Christmas.

Christmas is just like a day at the office - you do all the work and
the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

I truly believe there is more to life than money, booze and sex. 
I just haven't figured out what it is yet.

Black Holes Suck!

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house. -Rod Stewart

Tears will get you sympathy. Sweat will get you results.

Rain is snow that shovels itself.

Good, fast, cheap.  Pick any two.

Why should we refuse the happiness this hour gives us, because some
other hour might take it away? -John Hobbes

A poor fit between your passions and your work may be more
detrimental than a poor fit between the demands of your job and your
current abilities. -Robert K. Cooper

Instead of loving your enemies -- treat your friends a little better.
-Edgar Watson Howe 

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing with
ingredients you forgot to buy, using utensils you don't own, to make a
dish even the dog won't eat.

If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't
fit to live.

Tired of getting older? Consider the alternative.

Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men.
-John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Alle Menschen sind Auslander - fast uberall.
(We are all foreigners - almost everywhere.)

Happiness is an illusion caused by the temporary loss of reality.

The older I get the better I used to be.

A work desk is a garbage can with drawers.

Anyone with money to burn will always find someone to tend the
fire.

Heroism, the caucasian mountaineers say, is endurance for one moment
more. -George F. Kennan

I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said,
but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
-Robert McCloskey

A road map always tells you everything except how to refold it.

One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh 
paint.

Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.

Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to
forget.

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to
have.

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is
falling in love with your smile.

Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their
time on you.

Hofstadter's rule: Everything takes longer than you expect, even when
you take Hofstadter's rule into account.

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to
an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American
Indian. -Pat Paulsen

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not
getting it done.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I do then with my friends as I do with my books. I would have them 
where I can find them, but I seldom use them. -Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will
be.

I'd say he's the laziest guy alive but I'm not sure about that
last part.

One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good
poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few
reasonable words. -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Aim at the sun, and you may not reach it; but your arrow will fly far
higher than if aimed at an object on a level with yourself.
-Joel Hawes

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-Mike Adams

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Intelligence is like a river. The deeper it is, the less noise it
makes.

If we were meant to travel economy class, we would have been made
narrower.

He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of
course, he really is dead. -Voltaire 

Foreign aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries
to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey

Most people only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't
move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the
tape. 

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner. -James Bovard 

The major cause of vehicle accidents is a screw loose in the nut
behind the wheel. 

A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking
nonsense not to himself. 

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and
blamed it on the cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 

Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on 
than illumination. -David Brent
 
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Compiled 2002-3 by Jiri Matejicek, Instant Wisdom.
Feel free to copy anything you like. If you decide to redistribute the
whole file, please leave this note within - including the URL.

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