How to install a wireless security system:   
   
Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work   
boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on   
top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside   
it, a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that   
says something like "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get   
more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit   
bulls. They've just been wormed and they are a little edgy."