03/28/06

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent   
trend towards legislation which requires the prominent   
placing of warnings on products that present hazards to   
the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary   
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned,   
merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in   
this important area. This is especially true in light of   
the findings of 20th century physics.   

We therefore propose that the following list of warnings   
appears on every product offered for sale in the United   
States.   

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.   

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy   
Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of   
Weight.   

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute   
Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in   
Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.   

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle,"   
It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same   
Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast   
It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds   
that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle   
was correct)   

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance   
That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product   
May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and   
Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including   
Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be   
Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.   

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents   
Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality,   
This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.   

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That   
When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product,   
It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and   
Undetermined State.   

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This   
Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent   
on Its Velocity Relative to the User.