01/28/02

THE TRUTH ABOUT TOOLS

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer 
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expen-
sive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the con-
tents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; 
works particularly well on boxes containing seats and 
motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop 
rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also 
works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just 
above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the orig-
inal sin principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, 
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence 
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding 
heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting vari-
ous flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for 
igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get 
the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British 
cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for imperson-
ating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the 
last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly 
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it 
smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the 
room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you 
were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them 
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also 
removes fingerprint whirls and hard-earned guitar calluses in 
about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the 
ground after you have installed your new front disk brake 
setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motor-
cycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.