08/06/02

The Stock Market Explained

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius. 

Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets none. 

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low. 

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower. 

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing. 

Broker - Poorer than you were last year. 

"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you
step off the plane. 

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock. 

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets
equally between themselves. 

Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he
runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes. 

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks. 

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
Toilet. 

Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient
times before e-mail. 

Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5. 

Cisco - Sidekick of Pancho. 

Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240
per share. 

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that
bought Yahoo for $240 per share. 

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a
nut house. 

Profit - Religious guy who talks to God. 

Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan. 

Alan Greenspan - God.