03/20/01

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to
invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This
is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland.  I am ringing to
inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important
news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's
calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door
neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub --
that makes 8!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million
men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Oh?", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.
Hussein, the war is still on!  We have managed to acquire
some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and
Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I
have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel
carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million
since we last spoke."

"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr.
Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get
ourselves airborne!  We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a
couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has
joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell
you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG
19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by
laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last
spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

After a moment's hesitation, Paddy said, "I'll have to ring
you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.  "Right Mr.
Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off
the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change
of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way
we can feed 2 million prisoners."