01/26/01

Bill of no rights

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone
get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots,
keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the
blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great
grandchildren, hereby try one more time to obtain and establish some
common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden
delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.  We hold
these truths to be self-evident that a whole lot of people were 
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill
of No Rights.

Article I
You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any 
other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire
them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

Article II
You do not have the right to never be offended. The country is based
on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You
may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion,
etc. But the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

Article III
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the
tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently
wealthy.

Article IV
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the
most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in
need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more
than creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

Article V
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but
from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public
health care.

Article VI
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you
kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised
if the rest of us get together and kill you.

Article VII
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob,
cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be
surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in place
where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV.

Article VIII
You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives
in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive
governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if
you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do
not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little
tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

Article IX
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have
one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you
to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational
training laid before you to make yourself useful.

Article X
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that
you have the right to pursue happiness - which, by the way, is a lot
easier if you are outnumbered by an overabundance of idiot laws
created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.