04/25/01

Answering Machine Messages

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of
YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However, our staff
of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to
further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your
schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the
tone. Thank you.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a
message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you
could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about
myself. Thanks.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.
Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle
stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
number and your reason for calling and I'll think about returning
your call.

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name
and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

Hi. I'm probably home -- I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So, leave a message.

Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.

Hi, now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can
talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a
sexy message, I'll call sooner!

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need sliding windows or a hot tub and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office
and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave
your name and number and they will get back to you.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing
it up and down and I like doing it left to right -- real slowly. So
leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back
to you.