03/31/00

Viz Top Tips

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle
the stain in permanent marker pen so that when you remove the garment from
the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
that it is gone.

Give VIZ and other comics that "Pulp Fiction" feel by reading the last
frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance
enhancing drugs by simply running a little bit slower and letting someone
else win.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and
driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin
in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by  drinking two
bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased".

Wheelchair basketball coaches. Miss out Lourdes from any forth coming
European tours in order to avoid losing your star players.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps
when visiting the Sahara desert.

Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal "toast racks" for Ritz crackers.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a "SHRINKING" device by ruffling
your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a JCB digger outside
your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house
during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same
description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Have all your sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.

Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.

Micra Drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before
starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate
melts you will know that microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the
oven serviced.