11/14/00

PREPARING FOR PARENTHOOD

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading
books and decorating the nursery. Here are some simple
tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves
for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown
and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9
months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to
prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket.
Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head
office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last
time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a
couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low
tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children
to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and
overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in
your life that you will have all of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living
room from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10 PM put the bag down, set the
alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk
around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put
the alarm on for 3 AM. As you can't get back to sleep, get
up at 2 AM and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up
again at 3 AM when the alarm goes off.  Sing songs in the
dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for 5 AM. Get up. Make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear
peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide
a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all
summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them
on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does
that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first
buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus
into the string  bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time
allowed for this -- all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can
of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube.
Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a
Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong
ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact
replica of the Eiffel Tower.

CONCLUSION: Congratulations, you have just qualified for a
place on the playgroup committee.