03/20/00

> 1.  Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

That depends on whether it "sucks hard" or "sucks the big one".

> 2.  Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

You're counting from the wrong direction. It's the first hand that's the
second hand. And that is a result of entropy.

> 3.  If a word were misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Someone would use the misspelling in a game of scrabble.

> 4.  If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

He stole 'em from the OED.

> 5.  Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

A whack is like a whap, but against a hard object. If something is out of
whack, we mean that it takes a whack, not a whap, to put it back.

> 6.  Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Cadence.

By "slow down" we want speed and cadence to reduce; by "slow up" we want just
speed to reduce, and cadence to increase.

> 7.  Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Chance is a binge-eater.

> 8.  Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

Because it looks like the barge is "tugging" the boats along behind it.

> 9.  Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
>     there?

Who sings THAT?

> 10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Have you *tried* sitting on them? It's much more comfortable to stand. We're
just too lazy to use them properly.

> 11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

'Cause it crashes the computer. It's a command. "after, dark".

> 12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected' make the unexpected expected?

Yes. This is why we have the term "indecisive".

> 13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

'Cause guys can't shut up.

> 14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

You must be using Webster.

> 15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

This is known as "truth in advertising".

> 16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

"Terrific" shares the same root as "terror". The rest is obvious.

> 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Backstage.

> 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

It feels nice.

> 19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Only if you're Chinese.

> 20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Because twice as many men would rather see the latter come off in a movie.

> 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when
>     you know the batteries are dead?

Racial future memory. In the future, pushing buttons will *power* the remotes.
So pushing harder makes them work better.  By 2032, there are so many self-
powered remotes that the habits echo across time.

> 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

We don't. Everything goes into the backpack.

> 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

So you can use it as an example: 'abbr.'

> 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

No, we're wet. All the soap, water, and scrubbing does is to loosen the
dirt so it will come off onto the towel. Little boys know this instinctively.

> 25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

It does. The inside of the bottle doesn't come out when you squeeze it.