09/26/00

Politics and cows

FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of
all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took
from the chicken farmers.The government gives you as much milk and
eggs the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your
neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the
most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the
cows drop dead of starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. You have to take care of them,
but the government takes all the milk. You steal backas much milk
as you can and sell it on the black market.

PERESTROIKA You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but
the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can
and sell it on the "free" market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes both and
shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.

PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the
milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. At first the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you
not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and
pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you
money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as
collateral.

PURE ANARCHY You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair
price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHO-CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to
take harmonica lessons.

OLYMPICS-ISM You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the
help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography,
John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame
the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then
mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a
tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes.
The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in
a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to
endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by
Chinese government officials,though no one ever hears about it.
McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing
restaurant.