02/07/00

"Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome the
confusion.

Degrees (Fahrenheit)
 65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
 60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
 50 - Miami residents turn on the heat
 45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
 40 - You can see your breath
    - Californians shiver uncontrollably
    - Minnesotans go swimming
 35 - Italian cars don't start
 32 - Water freezes
 30 - You plan your vacation to Australia
 25 - Ohio water freezes
    - Californians weep pitiably
    - Minnesotans eat ice cream
    - Canadians go swimming
 20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
    - New York City water freezes
    - Miami residents plan vacation further South
 15 - French cars don't start
    - Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
 10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going
  5 - American cars don't start
  0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 - German cars don't start
    - Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
    - Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
    - Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
    - Politicians actually do something about the homeless
    - Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
    - Japanese cars don't start
-25 - Too cold to think
    - You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath
    - Swedish cars don't start
-40 - Californians disappear
    - Minnesotans button top button
    - Canadians put on sweaters
    - Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes
    - Alaskans close the bathroom window
-60 - Hell freezes over
    - Polar bears move South
    - Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
-70 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets