4/18/00

Answering Machines


Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the 
world famous international institute of answering machine 
answers: 

A is for academics, 
B is for beer. 
One of those reasons is 
why I'm not here. 
So leave a message. 

Hi. This is John: 
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. 
If you are my parents, please send money. 
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me 
enough money. 
If you are my friends, you owe me money. 
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. 

(Narrator's voice:) There Jim sits, reading a magazine. 
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into 
a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Jim in the 
middle of it - his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! 
Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in 
vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. 

Hi. 
Now you say something.

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine 
is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." 

"Hello. I am Jim's answering machine. What are you?" 

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) 
He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you 
soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner! 

"Hi! Jim's answering machine is broken. This is his 
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick 
your message to myself with one of these magnets." 

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine 
just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking 
her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you 
leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.' 

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of 
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, 
or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to 
charity through their office and do not need their picture 
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number 
and they will get back to you." 

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic 
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your 
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can 
reach you, and I'll think about returning your call." 

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't 
like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you." 

"Hi, this is Jim. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right 
now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until 
I call you back." 

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning 
our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, 
we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message." 

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. 
You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your 
willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When 
you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to 
leave your name, number, and a message." 

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to 
remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will 
be used by us. 

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if 
you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you 
as soon as we're finished. 

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the 
phone right now, because we're doing something we really 
enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing 
it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and 
when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.