Feb 5 1999

wisdom and fun

Never raise your hands to your kids.......it leaves your groin
unprotected.
Red Buttons

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the
window.
Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing,
a bank robbery has just taken place.
Johnny Carson

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like
shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
John Mendoza

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That
may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
Jeff Stilson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you
should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Jerry Seinfeld

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner.
Lynda Montgomery