9/23/98
Should you plan a trip to France...
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the
Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and
Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very
expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is
intended as a guide for American travelers only.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not
nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and
with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many
treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions
to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the
guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation,
air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get
decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors
is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many
will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch
your change at all times.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and
smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and
have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are
in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and
undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens
are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their
behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is
common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each
other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to
travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for
easier mutual recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised
that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the
French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary
shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball
scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on
much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the
English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for
the Government to flee to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is
now an airport.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are
held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For
administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions,
departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages,
cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers,
the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground
floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of
whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations
are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant
when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department
intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further
information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made
a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.
And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel. Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just
a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are
excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this
word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at
leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in
Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they
are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike
and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors. France's
principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine,
nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber
weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft,
miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its
361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days,
16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in
Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into
Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is
Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important
holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St.
Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November
12).
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it
weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said
for it is that it is not Germany.
A Word of Warning
The consular services of the United States government are intended
solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as
McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that
you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the
loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of
5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official
who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of
qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, no one
ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at
Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.
Thank you and good luck.
|