7/11/97
HELP LINE
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who
don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like
they buy computers --but imagine if they did...
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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing
happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have
to know all of these technical terms just to use
my car?"
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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go
anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with
a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where
is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.
HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then
a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car.
When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's
the panel I'm talking about."
CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round
thing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor
and purchase some more gasoline. You can install
it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for
you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell
me that I have to keep buying more components?
I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the
accelerator pedal all the way to the floor.
It worked for a while, and then it crashed
-- and now it won't even start up!"
HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility
if you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned
manual of yours. It said to make the car
go to put the transmission in 'D' and press
the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what
I did --now the damn thing's crashed."
HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual
before operating the car sir?"
CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did
EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't
work!"
HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you
wouldn't crash?"
CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir.
It's on page 14. The pedal next to the
accelerator."
CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and
read this manual you know."
HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do
about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest
versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"
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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose
your car because it has automatic transmission,
cruise control, power steering, power brakes,
and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go
places in my car!"
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