11/14/97

...at the Thesis Defense

WHAT YOUR ADVISOR SAYS                WHAT YOUR ADVISOR MEANS
-------------------------             --------------------------

Look at this as a learning            You're going to suffer
experience

Let me explain the format of the      Let me make you even more nervous.
defense.

I'm here to lend you support.         I'm here to destroy you so you won't
                                      look smarter than me.

I found the overall concept           This is my token compliment before
interesting.                          ripping your idea to shreds.

I would like to have had more time    I didn't read it.
to study this.

I have some concerns about the        I hate the theory, but I can't insult
theory upon which your study is       the author so I'll insult your work
based.                                instead.

There are some aspects of the         I read it but I just don't remember
study that I would like to hear       anything about it.
more about.

Your hypotheses are not strongly      You came up with an innovative idea
enough linked to the existing         and I want to make sure you never do
literature.                           it again.

Your research is an interesting       Why didn't I think of this before you
extension of my own work.             did?

You have failed to take into          You failed to cite me.
account some of the more relevant
literature.

I would like you to explain...        I don't know anything about this stuff
                                        so you'll have to explain it to me.

Your statistical results don't        I don't understand statistics.
seem to support your hypothesis.

Your selection of statistical         I'm the only one here that understands
tests is rather simplistic.           statistics and I wanted to rub it in.

How did you ensure that you had       I had to come up with at least one
drawn a random sample?                question and this one always works.

This is a great topic for your        This is some grunge work that
thesis.                               will help me get tenure.

You will be ready to write up         You have now become a useful slave,
soon, but need to do just one         and I am not about to let you graduate
more experiment/program/chip.         without doing more footwork for me.

Your funding is secure.               Maybe.

Your funding is probably OK.          Start worrying.

I'll see what we can do about         Start looking for another advisor.
funding.

Think of this as an investment        We're going to exploit you to the
in skills that will be useful         gills.
to you in your later career.

Don't listen to XYZ, just             Both XYZ and I are fools, but I'm
listen to me.                         funding you.

Let's wrap this up.                   I'm hungry.

Could you step out of the room        We decided beforehand to give you your
while the committee comes to a        degree, but we still want to make you
decision?                             sweat some more.

Write another chapter.                Write another chapter.